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Posted on our church's website two weeks ago by my beautiful bride, Bobbi Jo Cloeter. I’ve spent a third of my life as a wife. Remember that I am young, so it’s not as long as you think. I met my husband 12 ½ years ago when we were both camp counselors. I knew the moment I saw him, I was going to marry him. Needless to say, he didn’t stand a chance.Back then he was a quiet, serious, thoughtful college student.I was pretty much the opposite. We instantly clashed. In fact, I’m pretty sure the staff was taking bets as to how long before there was a brawl between the two of us. As it turns out, we didn’t hate each other, but were actually attracted to each other. We would spend hours talking and sharing stories and dreams and silly jokes and confessing our deepest, darkest secrets. At the time, I didn’t know how important those hours were. We still think back to those days with a wistfulness for more times like that and probably a bit of disbelief that we could survive on two hours of sleep a night. In all my years of wifery, I have learned a few things that I think are keys to a strong, loving, God-centered marriage; a top ten of sorts. 10. Say “I love you” everyday. Text it, write it, pantomime…get that message out there! 9. Sleep on it… I actually think going to bed angry is OK. Then you don’t argue while crabby. Start fresh in the AM. 8. Do stuff together. Take walks together. Cook together.Never stop dating. Even grocery shopping is more fun with your spouse…usually. Sitting by each other while both on your smart phone doesn’t count. 7. Dream together. What do you want to do as a couple? Where would you like to travel? Where do you see your family in the future? Plan your dreams together. 6. Support each other. I know this may come as a shock, but sometimes Jeff and I don’t see eye to eye on everything. Still, I try to show a united front. Be your spouse’s biggest cheerleader. 5. Have fun together. It’s ok to be goofy with your spouse. Let your silly side come out and laugh with each other. 4. Trust each other. Share your secrets, your thoughts, your fears. Learn to rely on each other for the important stuff and the “unimportant” stuff. 3. Forgive each other. Though some of us are close :), none of us are perfect. It isn’t fair to expect perfection from another person. 2. Pray together. Share a prayer journal, say it out loud, hold hands during worship. All of these connect you to each other and to God. 1. Be humble. Aim to put your spouse above yourself.Jesus humbled himself for us. This isn’t a suggestion to neglect yourself, but to consider the wants and needs of your spouse. This list is not comprehensive. It’s also not a check list of rules to be followed. It is merely a few suggestions on how to approach marriage and make it work. There are people who’ve been married for decades longer than us, and we often set them and their marriages up as models for our relationship. My parents still date each other. Jeff’s parents spend a week in the Boundary Waters camping together. John and Sharon are each other’s biggest supporters. Bob and Lynn share a passion for ministry together. All these couples have been married for decades and are still committed to each other and to God. God created man and woman for each other and the list above is our approach to ensuring our marriage lasts.
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Those of us in St. Louis are currently wrestling with the death of a 13-month-old boy. He went missing yesterday, and his body was found, unclothed, in a nearby cemetery. With the crime scene a couple miles from our home, I watched 3 helicopters as I held my children, including my own 13-month-old. The mother has been arrested, and a community in shock awaits further details.
Last week, the Penn State scandal dominated the headlines. A highly regarded defensive coordinator is alleged to have abused numerous boys over the course of years, even using his own charity for access. He maintains his innocence, but admits showering with boys and "horsing around." Children are among society's most vulnerable, which is why they can be so easily abused. Child abuse takes on many forms in our current culture as children are degraded, forgotten, and ignored. Much could be written on actual child abuse – physical, verbal, and sexual. But I’d like to focus on some more subtle forms. And I’m afraid that such forms have become common in our current culture. Children are born and then forgotten. Some adults are so engrossed in their careers or personal hobbies that they abuse their kids by neglect. I’m not talking gross negligence like withholding food or shelter. There are laws that punish that kind of abuse. This kind of neglect does not carry a legal consequence. Many parents balk when they realize the sacrifices necessary for children. They rely on baby sitters, not only to watch their kids, but to raise them. Nannies, daycare, TV, and video games become “outs.” They never eat dinner together. When evening comes there is no help with homework or inquisition about the day. Only the flicker of television light in every room, as each individual retreats to their own space. This kind of abuse denies sacrificial love, and ensures that the parents can go on living pre-child lives. Children become nuisances instead of people. Children are born and then idolized. Many parents have kids and then live out their idolatrous desires through them. Such parents are too weak or lazy to discipline or they are philosophically opposed to hard boundaries. Such children are pampered and coddled. When children are idolized, they are believed to be innocent. “How could Johnny ever do anything wrong? I’m sure he didn’t mean to.” (They should read Psalm 51:5). In these households the children rule, not the parents (They should read the fourth commandment). Another sign of this particular abuse is parents who find meaning and status in their child’s achievements. (Remember the dad screaming during the whole game from the bleachers?) Essentially, they live out their desires through the child. David Brook’s book On Paradise Drive describes “the professionalization of childhood.” Tim Keller comments on Brooks’ observations: “From the earliest years, an alliance of parents and schools creates a pressure cooker of competition, designed to produce students who excel in everything. Brooks calls this a “massive organic apparatus, a mighty Achievatron.” The family is no longer a haven in a heartless world . . . Instead, the family has become the nursery where the craving for success is first cultivated.” Children are not born at all. I’m not referring to abortion. That’s another article. I’m referring to the delay if not refusal to have children. What was once 2.5 children is now less than 2. One or two children is more manageable, fiscally responsible, and convenient. I want to be very careful here. I am not advocating irresponsibility when it comes to child-bearing. And this not an indictment against couples with no children. There are factors to be considered. Yet there must be careful reflection when people say, “I don’t want to bring a child into this dangerous world.” Is fear the determining factor? “We want to wait until we’re at a good place financially.” Is money the determining factor? “We want to spend time doing what we want to do before having kids.” I am for this, but I have also seen couples married for ten years, and spending inordinate amounts of money on themselves. In a culture of power, success, and individualism, children are often seen as liabilities and annoyances. When children are abused, especially in subtle ways, our world grows darker. Along with the handicapped, the poor, immigrants, and widows, children are given special attention in Scripture, even though they may not have it in the world. Jesus picked up a child and declared that the characteristics of children will be found in the kingdom of heaven (Matt. 18:3,4). Scripture consistently refers to us as children (Jn. 1:12; Eph. 5;1). The world always overlooks, abandons, and abuses the lowest and weakest. But Jesus calls them “blessed” and residents of the Kingdom of God (Matt. 5:3). Children cause us to sacrifice. They demand an excess of patience. Their cumbersome mobility cause us to slow down. Their constant need shows us their complete dependence on us. The frailty of their lives, their tantrums and outbursts, all show us the depth of meaning inherent in the word mercy. Such things belong to the Kingdom of God. The following reflects the philosophy of family we are using at my church. We are attempting to do less "programming," and instead pour our energy into resourcing parents and families. Sunday School moves from class once a week to life every day. Of course there are always spiritual "orphans" who have parents who are either not believers, or not faithful. And of course, the church finds a place for them in the family as well.
Family as Little Church Pastor Jeff Cloeter Our vision is for every family to be a “little church.” The family is the God-ordained place for faith formation. Raising children is a God-given, parental responsibility. It must not be abdicated to a Christian Day School, VBS, Sunday School, or pastor. Your local congregation walks with you as you raise your children in the Lord. By God’s grace, we seek to raise godly young men and women who love God, love others, and impact the world. My 6-year-old daughter decided to make a list for my birthday. Her spelling:
1. Baloons. 2. Candls. 3. String. 4. Rapping papr. 5. Presints. 6. Kissis. 7. Hugs. I would add #8: One Happy Daddy. This note comes a few weeks after she gave me a threatening note demanding a kitten. "Daddy, please, please, please can I have a kitty? If you do not give me a kitty, I will not listen to you." I responded to her letter with a note of my own: "I do not negotiate with terrorists." Some believe in a childhood "age of innocence." I tend to believe in original sin. The next day, she wrote me another note: "Daddy, you are the best daddy ever of all time." All of this reminds me of the ups and downs of being "a sinner and a saint at the same time." And it reminds me of the many threatening letters and words spoken by the children of Israel throughout Scripture. And the Father's patient hand throughout. So I'll settle on the fact that for all of parenthood's challenges, joy transcends. Home is a place for exuberant joy and lots of jumping. Where is your home? I don't simply mean an address. Where and with whom do you sense that you are truly "home"? When I proposed to my wife, people asked, "How do you know she's the one?" My first response was, "She is my home." I was "home" in Minnesota over the weekend for my dad's surprise 60th birthday party. And once again, we experienced all the notions of home. There was intense laughter. The telling of stories. Eating way too much food. The kids running barefoot in the backyard with grass-stained knees and kool-aid mustaches. Bouncing on the neighbor's trampoline. A slow game of bocce ball under a gently warm sun. The re-living of shared experiences as we poured over old pictures and laughed at dad's hippie hair in 1972. When you're "home," the day passes with no care for what the hour is. There is no place to be but present in the moment. At home you can be vulnerable because you are assured of safety. "Home" has seen you at your worst. There is nothing to hide. At home, you are loved. It matters not how you feel or what you look like. You are loved regardless. You don't want to leave home, but you know you must. You have work to do. So you go. But you know you can always come back. Much of Scripture is about a particular family, a particular land, and the hope of a home in its fullest sense. The garden, the patriarchs, the kingdom, the city, the land, the feast. God gives us people, places, and moments that provide identity, security, and meaning. And in such "homes" we get a peek of the fullest of all homes. |
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