I Am What Others Say About Me

This post is the third in a series on the modern pressure to build an identity.  

I was speaking about identity at a conference last fall.  As an outline, I used Nouwen’s three temptations:  “I am what I do, what I have, or what others say about me.”  During a break, a young woman in her twenties approached me and said, “That third one is what we struggle with the most.”  

“We.”  She had been sitting in a row of fellow twenty-somethings.  Every one of them confessed a struggle with “that third one.”  “What others say about me.”  We chatted briefly about why Gen Z struggles with this particular temptation.  Is it the ubiquitous presence of social media?  Or could it be the insecurity of a generation formed by pandemic isolation and political division?  Regardless, there is a real temptation to build an identity by gaining approval from others.  

The Temptation:  I am what others say about me.

C.S. Lewis once wrote, “We all like to be petted and admired.”  In our culture, there is a pressure to be liked, to be popular.  Like a magnet, it tugs at us.  “Be influential.  Be known.  Build a platform and a reputation.  So that people talk about you.”  Get them to say, “Wow, he’s so gifted.”  “She is remarkable.”  “He’s so funny.”  “She’s so successful.”  “Look at all they’ve accomplished.”  

If others talk about me . . . If they know me . . . If they admire me . . . then I will be loved.  Accepted.  Worth something.  This is the temptation to build an identity by approval.  

But if my identity is based on what others say about me, what happens when they speak negatively of me?  What happens when I’m criticized?  Worse, what happens when people say nothing about me?  When I’m not even known or noticed?  Then who am I?  

The Response:  Intimate Community

The Christian church ought to be a place of great truth-telling.  We speak the truest things.  There are two truths that Christians are uniquely allowed to speak.  First, the truth about myself that I don’t want to admit, even to myself.  The secrets, sins, and failures.  Second, the truth that God takes me in spite of the first truth.  He responds with irrational grace.  

These truths are the antidote when we are tempted by a desire for others’ approval.  When our people-pleasing nature will do anything to be accepted, the Christian community says, “No, you are accepted, for Jesus’ sake.  You are baptized and beloved.  If for no other reason, you belong here.”

We are not defined by the whims of what others say about us.  One minute on a high because someone called us pretty.  The next minute in despair because someone said something ugly that haunts our soul.  

In the crowd of fraudulent voices, we need fellow Christians to speak the truth about who we are.  Is the church faithful to her truth-telling vocation?  Unfortunately, our track record is mixed.  I hear of so many who feel condemnation and exclusion in the church.  This is a topic for another day.  

For now, consider the church on a smaller level - intimate Christian community.  Do you have a few trusted Christian friends?  Those you would literally call “brother” and “sister?”  If not, could you discover a few?

How is intimate Christian community related to “what others say about me?”  Because God sends us friends who know the truth about us and still stay with us.  We need brothers and sisters who will see the worst of us and still say, “I love you.  I’ll stay with you.”    They affirm our identity in Christ by being an expression of God’s posture toward us: “You are my beloved.”  

When we live in such a community, we experience the belonging that Christ gives us.  Then we are no longer so insecure.  We don’t need the “likes” because we are loved.  We don’t need to add followers because we have God-given friends who will not leave.  We don’t need applause because we have already been accepted.  

I’ve written about my “garage band.”  We don’t play music.  These are trusted Christian brothers who gather with me for heartfelt conversation, sharing, and prayer.  Recently I gathered “the band” for their counsel on a decision I had to make.  I could trust them with the deepest questions I have and not be afraid of rejection.  They hear me and help me.  This is what happens when Christ shows up in community.

I know it is a struggle to find deep Christian community.  At the very least, it takes time.  But I pray that God bestows you with truth-telling brothers and sisters in Christ.  You are not what others say about you.  You are the beloved of God, and you need to hear that spoken to you again and again.  

One voice rises above the hum of the crowd.  What matters is what he says.  Your Lord declares, “You are forgiven.  I will never leave or forsake you.”  You don’t need to impress him, or earn his approval.  When he speaks, it’s true.  It just is.  We’re tempted to build an identity by “that third one,” by what others say about me.  When you feel that tug, pray, “Speak, Lord.  I only want what you say.”